As this health journey has unfolded the last year, I've had lots of moments where things just clicked. Coincidences. Or not... The book I picked up by accident ( "Working Out Sucks" written by Anytime Fitness CEO Chuck Runyon) at the gym that changed my life... The chance meeting with a self proclaimed "wanderer" who spends his professional life in theater and his personal life meditating, studying faith, and sharing positive time & energy with complete strangers, that inspired me to find meditation again and who really left a huge impact on who I am. My grand dad, who was the pillar of example in my adult life and who quite literally died in my arms of heart disease three years ago this week, who inspired me to get serious about the value and quality of my life... A dream about feeding my body to live, not living to feed my body that would turn my habits upside down and pave the way to a more natural lifestyle... Meeting a local female athlete, a stranger then and via Twitter (of all places), being able to ride a bike alongside her on an organized course that I invited her to, and then having her words, shared over a beer, impact every single day of my athletic existence since. Those things aren't by chance... They were building blocks. They were destined. They happened for a reason! And they weren't by chance...
Tonight was another one of those strange times when things happened by anything but coincidence... This will either sounds kooky to you- or you'll totally get what I'm talking about. A long while ago, I had a massage session with a woman who has now become a trusted friend and is somebody I wholeheartedly love and appreciate. After our massage session, in which she was trying to lessen the pain of a pinched nerve in my back (which I now know flares up from inactivity, by the way), we talked about health, weight, body image, etc. And let's face it: I was NOT healthy at the time. I was 335 pounds. I was deeply depressed and in the thick of Cole's second cancer battle. My marriage was hanging on by a thread. I hadn't slept well in weeks. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning, dress myself, care for Cole, go to work, get through the day, and drag myself back up to sleep at night. There was A LOT going on. So naturally, when she brought up health--- I heard "weight"---and I took huge offense to the things she was saying. And it wasn't even what she was saying... In my mind, because of how much I hated who I was, she was attacking me... The fact that she even brought it up was enough to send me flying off of the deep end. I was so incredibly insecure about myself and my body that I took huge offense to it... It was meant to be nothing but helpful- to inspire me- but truthfully, at that point, I was genuinely disgusted with who I was and there was NO helping me. Not really. And so I convinced myself that she was turning on me. She was teaching me about what our bodies needed to live----and all I heard was "You're fat. You're pathetic. She thinks you're disgusting. " She never said those words. She WOULD NEVER say those words. EVER. To anyone. Even with a gun to her head. She is THAT kind of person.
Our minds determine everything...
Fast forward to this spring. I was already a year into my health journey. I had turned my life around physically by walking and biking a lot. (I had completed my hundred mile century months earlier.) I had begun to pray and meditate constantly and my thoughts were beginning to be more positive than negative. I had given up soda, chips, and sweets for the most part and my body felt a million times better eating closer to the Earth. At that point I was down 55 pounds- but it might as well have been two hundreds. I felt GREAT! Plus, I was just starting to let myself get uncomfortable---meaning I was beginning to try new things and push my comfort zone. I decided that what I really wanted to try was hot yoga. I looked into the classes. People were SO excited about them. And the results spoke for themselves! And then I saw it... Oh my gosh... That woman taught the local class... I can't. OH MY GOD, I CANNOT TAKE THAT CLASS! The lady thinks I'm fat and disgusting! ....And all those insecurities came rushing back, my anxiety went through the roof, and I started hyperventilating...
And then suddenly: I just stopped. I remember thinking "What the HELL is your problem?! You are doing this to yourself! Why? Why are you hurting yourself like this? You're not a victim! And she's not an enemy! She wanted to help you!" Somehow it finally hit me. What I was doing to MYSELF hit me.... It was me. It had been ME all along... The reality was that that women never ever said those words. That woman tried to share healthy advice with me in a healthy environment to inspire me to be a better version of myself! She never even said the WORD "fat." I had myself so brainwashed with negative thoughts and inadequacies that I actually believed that what she shared with me to enrich my life was meant to hurt me. Even though it wasn't. She had made gentle suggestions that would hopefully plant themselves in my mind and bloom into something MORE for myself----and I was the only reason they didn't. Why was I doing that? Why was I sabotaging myself? Why was I making myself believe that I wasn't good enough?
I took myself to that class the next day. I was a hundred pounds heavier than every person in there. I sweat more. The poses were harder. My arms shook and I thought I might be sick from nervous fear and heat. But my instructor never saw that... And I knew in my heart she wouldn't. I know now that those thoughts never ever crossed her mind. Do you know what she saw? Someone who was committing themselves to honoring who they were. Someone who was working towards something MORE for themselves- mind and body. And someone who was willing to share time, space, and energy with her and the other classmates. For her, and for me, that first class was about more than sweat. It was about acceptance. It was about breaking down fear and stereotypes. It was about saying "I am worth it. I am a good person who deserves to keep improving on every level." It was that day that that instructor and I really started talking and started getting to know each other on a deeper level. It was that day that I STOPPED the negative self talk and started working on the core of what was hurting me... I have come so far... So, so far...
By the way, I am very proud, today, to call that instructor my friend...
Full Circle...
So tonight I take myself to another hot yoga class. I try to get to one at least once a week because they make me feel amazing, I sweat like crazy, my skin glows, the people in the classes are awesome, and it does beautiful things for my spirit. Anyway, we had a special guest speaker tonight. A writer. Her book is called "Rise Above The Sh**." (A Wisconsin girl after my own heart with an occasional cuss word!) She is this amazing force of positive energy, passion, and enthusiasm for life and people. And I know, right from the start, that our energies meld really perfectly together. I like her... And then she starts talking. About loving ourselves. About how we what we feed our minds in thought defines our actions. Good in; good out. Bad in; bad out. Remember how I twisted that conversation years earlier in my mind? She was speaking my language.... I found myself listening to her and to my instructor talk about attitude and the mind's eye and thinking "Oh my God! That was me! I used to do that! They're talking to ME!" And it all came full circle. I was meant to be in that space. At that time.
Somehow, I feel completely validated... I feel, especially tonight, like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be- mind, body, and spirit- 14 months later. I am absolutely CERTAIN that I'm on the right path. I am sure that I've made the right choices and pointed the compass in the right direction and that this journey is only going to get more positive and more beautiful and more blessed. The people I need are here. The stepping stones I need are laid out ahead of me. I have the map in my hand. I know in my heart that so long as I'm able to be in charge of my own destiny, I will, without a doubt, take the steps necessary to reach my destination, realize my goals, glorify God, and live in a healthy and positive way in the mean time. I have it. Clarity. Vision. Direction. And it feels so unbelievably good that I am bursting at the seams with pure joy!
The future is truly limitless if you BELIEVE it is... And there is no such thing as a coincidence!
Sarah
