My workouts lately are a lot of the same. I jumped on the bike trainer on Monday and yesterday, putting in about 25 miles or so. I've added a good amount of hill climbing into my routine, which makes me feel SO strong! It hurts so much-- and I LOVE it! (Yes, I'm probably cycling sadistic. Normal. It's fine.) And truthfully, I don't really mind working out in my living room since it's so cold outside. Except when I have to watch this...
That's hockey.... And it's almost as bad as basketball. Almost. Either way, I'd rather be sucker punched in the face by a rabid, drunken Russian than watch it. Seriously. And it's not that I don't like hockey, because I do. I just can't stand it on television. However, hubby had the clicker, which meant I was stuck watching whatever he so chose.
So naturally, I did what any self respecting wife whose other half wouldn't let her watch what she wanted on tv while she worked out and he held down the couch would do... I put on my headphones, cranked up Pat Benatar, and sang "We are young! Heart ache to heart ache, we stand! No promises, no demands!" at the very TOP of my lungs. (I'm pretty sure they heard me in Hilbert.) On repeat. (Don't pretend you weren't just singing it in your head. You WERE!)
And so, clearly, I won that match, right? Check mate, honey! Take that! Cram it in your cram hole, because your wife just trumped you! Hockey schmockey.... Right? Right?!!?
No.
He's lucky I love him.... Because do you KNOW what he did to me?
Do you KNOW?!
Do YOU!?
Oh my gosh...
So I'm ten minutes into my cycling routine last night. And I'm killing it! Kill. Ing. IT! Sweat is pouring out of pretty much every orifice of my body. I feel like I'm going to die. My legs are already begging to be done. And my breathing is just outside of comfortable. It's a great ride and I'm focused and practically BEGGING for more...
I look like this.
This is good. REAL good. But it's about to go south in a quick hurry... Because my husband comes waltzing, practically floating, into the living room. With a shit eating grin on his face and a hand behind his back. And I know this is bad. Bad. Bad. BAD.
Suddenly, he presents what he's holding...
A plate.
But not just ANY plate...
A plate with a flipping cinnamon roll on it!
And he sits down RIGHT in front of me....
Do you see that smug face?! Oh my gosh! That dirty rat walks in carrying a warm cinnamon roll DRIPPING cream cheese frosting and I'm supposed to just..... WHAT?! Just ignore him?! Pretend it's not there!?! It's a frickin' cinnamon roll!
And if that's not bad enough... What with the incredible scent, and the drippiness, and the yummy ooey, gooeyness of it all.... he proceeds to TAUNT me with it.
"Honey, this cinnamon roll is amazing..."
"Honey, this is SO good! Do you want a bite? I'll bring it to you..."
"Oh my gosh, best cinnamon roll I've ever eaten! So good!"
And then...that jerk, whom I love like mad, starts to chant "Let's go.... cinnamon roll! Let's go....cinnamon roll!"
It was all I could do not to shank him.
And do you know what's even better than that? He takes the taunting to Facebook after I crank my headphones up to ignore him. I had JUST talked myself out of ripping that deliciousness from his grubby hands and stuffing it, plate and all, down my food hole before he knew what was happening...
The nerve. I'm going to get him back REALLY good. You. Just. Wait. Sardines in your coffee, buddy... (I'm scared for you.)
This is why I drink. It's our love, folks. Our crazy, non-conventional, totally irrational love. And we're heavy on that better or worse crap. Mostly worse.
Jerk.
Love you, my sassy honey. Ass.
(By the way, if you don't know my husband and I, we do a lot of this silly shit on a regular basis. It's part of our charm. We're like a live comedy act. With liquor, cinnamon rolls, and a totally dysfunctional daily life.)
Oh, and by the way, you better believe I had one of those delicious cinnamon rolls RIGHT AFTER I got off of the bike. Because not even I can withstand that kind of torture... He bought them and brought them into this house, by the way. It had been, and currently is again, sugary garbage free.
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What's new in your world? Does your spouse ever push your buttons despite you? Have any funny stories for me? Want to buy my husband?
Sarah
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5 comments:
oh that is cruel...he is a food pusher :)
Yes, my husband has been known to do that a time or too.
Ahahahaha! MEN! They're creepy-McCreeps sometimes, eh?
My husband always tries to derail me. You know what I do when he does that kind of stuff (which he does)? I remind him that I feel...a-hem..."sexier"...when I feel fit and healthy and that he only benefits from such feelings of health.
It pretty much shuts him up and he pulls whatever food item he's dangling in front of my face out of the way...immediately. And then he apologizes. Hahahahaha! Thank God for my vajayjay...or else I'd never workout and I'd constantly be eating cinnamon rolls, pizzas, doughnuts, and ice cream. Hahahaha!
Best post!!! I laughed so hard!!
And I think you should kick your hubby in the ding ding. oh wait. Well, probably not that. Maybe.....ummmmm......put cold feet on this back in the middle of the night. Or put clear fingernail polish on his soap. hehehe. I'm so evil.
So excited for your loss girl! Seriously! You're badASS!!!
Buy some donuts...fill them with miracle whip and hand one over...Creme filled dear! I hear they are divine!
Revenge is a dish best served cold!
I don't think I'd handle a food taunting hubby very well... but on a regular basis I do seem to run into an absolutely horrible digestion gases from my laughing better half!
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