The Resolution Solution! A Letter To Myself...

Dear Sarah,

The last few years have been hard on you. Really hard... You gave up your career- and that hurt. A lot.  You ended a long relationship and walked away with literally nothing but clothing. You married your childhood crush and soul mate during the most traumatic and stressful years of your life. You picked up all the pieces that were left and moved back to your hometown. And most importantly, you battled alongside your thirteen year old son as he fought cancer-twice- while living in a hospital for two of the five years he was sick. It's been years and years of heart ache and struggle and confusion. But honey... you NEED to let that go.

If there was ever a time to clear your mind, start fresh, and figure out "life"---now is it. Sure, you've made huge improvements. You've lost 60 pounds. You've built a phenomenal life around you. You have amazing friends and the your family has rebuilt itself much, much stronger. You've defined "home." You've found a job you love. But you have a long way to go still, and you know it... But we'll get there. Just you wait and see. Let's make a plan---a real plan--- to achieve all of those goals of yours, okay? This is your road map. Use it. But most of all, enjoy the ride...

First things first....

1. Live. Really live.
Stop with the what-ifs and the maybes! And who cares about what so and so thinks about you and how you do things? You're a great person and you deserve happiness, and life, and joy, and love, and LIFE! Get outside, breathe in the fresh air, drink in the sunshine, and really, really, wholeheartedly LIVE the way that YOU deserve to. Remember those bike rides where your heart was pounding and it felt like your lungs might burst from breathing so heavy and you were absolutely sweating to death? Find that! You're living! Remember how it feels to take the time to sit in the grass on the river bank with your husband, lay your head on his shoulder, and feel the tickle of his hair on your forehead and the beat of his heart in your ear as the sun goes down? Find that. Often. And Cole---his laughter when you tickle him, his joy when he kicks your butt in Scrabble, and his affection when you curl up for a movie. Find that. It won't last. He'll be an adult in a few years. LIVE, Sarah! Go! There is no time to lose!

2. Make you priority number one. Cole has been too sick for too long, but he's okay now... You know that don't you? That he's going to be okay? That God is going to heal him up and make his paths straight? Believe, Sarah... Cole is okay. And you know what else? He wants you to be happy. You are not being selfish when you say that you need love and attention too. Or that you need quiet time alone. Or that you need to feel like a woman again for a little while. You have needs. It's been a long haul---so stop feeling guilty for needing to focus a little on you. You've sacrificed a long time. And you don't like that word, but it's true, isn't it? You're human! Your family wants you to be happy, so start seeking your own enjoyment. Get your hair done. Paint your nails. Go for long, aimless walks. Shut your cell phone off. Lay in the sun and get burned. Grab lunch with your mom or go fishing with your dad. Kiss your husband whenever you feel like it- public or not. Travel. Lose yourself in prayer. Tease Cole. Go for dinner. Plan that lake vacation you've wanted for YEARS. And most importantly, don't apologize for ANY of it...

3. Your health IS important. It can be your focus. And nobody has the right to give you grief about it. If you want to eat salad for every meal, eat freaking salad! And don't feel bad because somebody says you're insulting their food when you won't eat fried this or that. If they can't understand that you don't plan on dying for awhile, then you don't need them. They'll get over themselves either way... And yes- goals are important. Your fitness goals this year: Ride 1500 miles on the bike, put 200 miles in on the pavement or treadmill, and lose at least 30 more pounds. You CAN do it. It's worth it. And you enjoy the physical hurt and adrenaline rush anyway, so stop complaining. Everything you ever wanted is in reach... You're a physical force to be reckoned with. A tornado of fortitude, strength, and tenacity. Dig deep and USE it to benefit you. You define you. 

4. Your career. What a mess, right? You went from the top of the world as the youngest hotel general manager probably EVER in the Fox Cities--- to slamming into rock bottom. Was it fair? No. Is it ever? Probably not. And then all of the bouncing around the last few years; working for people who swore they understood what you were dealing with. But they didn't, did they? Definitely not. Here's the deal, cupcake: I can't believe that God isn't going to reward you handsomely in the future for what you've gone through. Cancer cheated you. Badly. It happens, unfortunately. And there's nothing you could have done. Cole needed you. He needed to come first. And you pushed hard against that, but life pushed back harder... You sacrificed. It was a horrible situation. But it did not change you. It did not change who you are or what you deserve... You don't miss your profession, you miss the people. You miss feeling needed, appreciated. But your friends appreciate you. Your family appreciates you. And you don't need validation from anyone but yourself, remember? So I will tell you this: Be open. Be present. Where your career is concerned, if a door opens, just slightly, kick it open. And if it doesn't open, keep pounding on it until somebody answers it. You want your own team again. You want decisions and choices and responsibility and professional pride again. You want a legacy. Well, I believe everything you ever wanted is right around the corner---and you just may be landing, right now, exactly where God intended you to.  And by the way, and for God's sake, if somebody doesn't see your value, STOP. Walk away. They don't deserve you. You are more valuable than you give yourself credit for...

5. Your marriage. This will be short and sweet: Nathan needs you to be his wife as much as you need him to be your husband. He loves you. You love him. So stop putting your walls up, already! When you're having a bad day, you can't take it out on him. It's not his fault. He's your partner, not your sounding board. Same team, remember? You can't manage your marriage, Sarah. It's not something you can fit into a box or paint by number. It's fluid. Ebb and flow. You have real passion and love where so few do not... Recognize that. He's not perfect- and neither are you. And that's what's truly beautiful... Grains of sand can never be fully separated, remember? You're a great wife. He's a great husband. And that's what makes your marriage special.

6. Be choosy in life, love, and happiness. If somebody doesn't enhance your life, they detract from it. Learn to cut the cord on negative relationships. It's okay to let go. It's okay to say "You know what? You don't really add to my life. And I no longer have room for you to be in it." And then walk away. It's not worth the mental anguish to keep trying and trying when the relationship will never be healthy anyway. And as far as your charity work, KEEP DOING IT! Don't let anybody question your motives, tell you that you 'don't need to anymore', or say dumb things like 'you're doing too much'. It's what you love! It makes your life and the lives of those you're helping better. By all means, keep the faith and keep giving back as much as you possibly can. Lord knows the world needs it... As long as it enhances your life, keep pushing forward.

7. Less clutter, less stress. It's time to downsize, girlfriend! I realize you have your donations closet---and that's fine. But the rest of the crap MUST go! Go through those closets finally and start pitching! Sell the things you can; donate the things you can't. Get rid of it. Excess clutter is excess stress---and you don't need it.

8. Say this outloud: "God will provide." Repeat until you believe it! Stop worrying about money and especially medical bills. It'll all be okay in the end. You have Cole and Nate and that's enough.

9. Let it go... I know it hurts. It all hurts. You've been under a tremendous amount of stress. Nobody can even imagine---not unless they've been there. Lesser people than you say stupid things like "suck it up" or "everyone has stress" but the truth is, they need to shut their damned mouths. They don't know. And they certainly can't sympathize with an attitude like that. You've been through hell. You've given up more than one person should ever be asked to. But you made it.... You're here. You did it! You did the best you could under those horrific circumstances. You have an intelligent, kind, amazing son who is ALIVE because you were there for him. Because you made the decisions you did. Because you never left his side. I know it was hard, but it's over now. And you need to accept that and start looking for that silver lining, okay? The other shoe may never drop, so you can't sit around worrying about it, honey. You can have happiness... You deserve happiness. But first you need to do some emotional housecleaning and sweep out all of that hurt and anxiety and worry... It's much, much too heavy to keep carrying around, don't you think? Now is the time, Sarah. Now. Tomorrow is much too long to wait...

10. Take time- just like you are right now. Take time to get to know yourself. Celebrate your victories. Map out your future. Plan for success. Enjoy the little moments. Celebrate your life. You are special, worthy, and unique. God loves you. You love you. And that's enough.